It's already the end of june and I have lost total track of time. It's my own fault for I have allowed work & work to totally consume me to the point where not only have I not noticed time fly right by me. I have not noticed how much weight i've gained.
Umm. Yeah. Not good.
I didn't realize any of this until I started seeing recent photos of myself and something wasn't looking right at all.....ME! I also noticed that my clothes no longer fit me and not in a good way. So of course you know that I totally bottomed out both mentally and emotionally and haven't quite seemed to recover. I keep trying to pull myself out of this slump but i'm burried deep with work and i'm not sure how to resolve that situation. Right now i've got my day job which is a steady paycheck and comes with health insurance. I've got my steady Dj gigs that bring in almost as much as my day job (and that goes from 3 to 4 nights a week freeing up most of my days) and then there's the music/studio/etc... which isn't paying much but the work has PILED UP! I'm in waaay too deep and don't know which way to turn.
Something's gotta give. I refuse to let go of my Dj gigs or my music so it's looking like it's gonna be the dayjob. I'm miserable here anyway. I've been here 5 years (which is longer than i've ever worked for any company) and there's nowhere I really want to go. I don't have any desire to climb the corporate ladder so i'd end just being the receptionist for the rest of my days here. Sure i'll be well paid but i'm so dead inside, it hurts. Indeed i'm thankful to have the job, especially in this day and age (and at my age) but i'm not even close to happiness or being content. I guess it doesn't help that the company has made a turn for the worse anyway. Still I don't know if it's the right thing for me to do or not which has never been a problem in my past. I've always followed my heart and gone with my gut feeling but now why am I such a chicken shit?
Moving on my workouts and eating has been suffering. I try to both eat properly and workout properly but it keeps falling by the wayside because I can't seem to stop sitting on my fat ass and working so much. Any bright ideas? I'm truly trying to make it all work but i'm simply EXHAUSTED and stressed to the 9's. Thank God for softball. That's my stress relief once a week and it's great. I joined a new team this year (www.slammers.xbuild.com) and they've been a blast. I miss my boys from the old team...well some of them, but I do loves my new team. I'm a positive addition to the team and that feels great. I truly enjoy being needed, appreciated and actually able to contribute to the team. There's not much I wouldn't do for them. Hell I even did drag for a fundraiser and that's something i'd NEVER do, but I did it. I looked damn good too ANNNND we won the competition. The list goes on and on and it's only the first half of the season. Something to truly look forward to every week.
Let's see.....what else....I know i'm forgetting something. OH, one last thing. The Movie! The movie that i'm in www.pickupthemic.com finally came to Minneapolis and all I can say is WOW! My family and friends finally got to see it (and see me perform for the first time too). It was sooooo great. I think I cried through the entire movie and backstage because I was so overwhelmed. It was such an amazing feeling and i'm not sure why, but it was. I think I felt "validated" in someway. Like I got to say, "here everyone, look. I did something worthwhile. I made something of myself and i'm not one of them pathetic brothas that dropped out of college and did absolutely nothing with my life and time." It felt good and they all LOVED the movie. Especially my mother, with her baptist-self. She loved it and found it very educational and she judged NOT A SOUL in the film what-so-ever. Neither did my father or friends. They all truly loved it and I was flying on cloud 9. Not to mention all of the artists that came up here for that premiere and those that even stayed with me. We had a great ass time and of course the performances were OFF THE CHAIN! I lost my voice for one of them but the crowd sang most of the songs for me anyway (do you know what that feels like?) Sure it may have been only a few hundred people singing along to the songs but still.....do you know how it feels to hear/see people recite your work? I can't explain it but i'm thankful for the blessing. I'm thankful for them all, but I feel like i'm taking advantage of the blessings by not taking better care of myself. I need help getting it together.
Wow!! He's back! Amazing.
I can't believe you still got that day job when your night gigs are going so well. Please let us all know if/when you are finally able to ditch that gig.
We're all rooting for you Tori! You were sorely missed here in SF last week.
xoxoxoxoxo
CRUSHERRRR
Posted by: crusher | June 29, 2006 at 11:09 PM
Crusher, I missed being in SF though I heard the show wasn't all that great. Eeek. We kind of spoiled people when they came to Mpls. All the shows were great, as well as the venues we played in too. Still it would've been great to see everyone, but i'll try and make it up the next 2 weekends in LA, Chi and Philly.
Posted by: T. | July 06, 2006 at 03:20 PM